Archive for June, 2009

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (A Second Opinion)

Posted in Reviews with tags , , , on June 26, 2009 by The Count

Dear Christ!  I just got back from the cinema and I’m numb.  I won’t go into depth about Transformers 2 as TheDVS has already discussed the details earlier this week so this should really only be read after his review and is only included as a very slightly different opnion on the film than what he offers.

Ever been around someone that is so full on and full of life that they exhaust you?  That’s Transformers 2.  Somehow simultaneously very exciting and thoroughly boring this is Michael Bay by numbers.

Bordering on racist and sexist yet show casing the kind of action and CGI quality that you won’t see any where else, Transformers is neither quite as bad as I expected yet, and I really can’t stress this enough, still absolutely dreadful.  Where Terminator 4 was a poor but watchable movie, Transformers 2 is a poor movie dragged out to an excruciating two and a half hours long.  Trimming a full hour off would certainly have helped the film and I think even allow it to gain the 3 out of 5 score I gave the original (a mark I still stand by though I personally now find the film unwatchable).

However as it is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen still suffers from the same problems the first film had (the film makers seem confused as to whether this is a farce aimed at 8 year olds or an action flick for grown ups) with an almost pornographic camera approach to the shot choices of how to film the women and vehicles.  Again, though the direction seems to have come from the ‘Dummy’s Guide to How to Shoot a TV Commercial’ book the real problem is in the writing.  A plot so appalling the exposition has to keep repeating what’s going on through out and characters so two dimensional they make the cartoon original, pre 1986 movie, show seem like an episode of The Wire.

However I can’t help but wonder how anyone could really expect more from a Michael Bay movie.  It’s loud, stupid and sexy and you’re all equally to blame as myself for paying to see it.

2 ‘As Long as a David Lean Epic but with the depth of Itchy and Scratchy cartoons’ out of 5

The Box – Trailer

Posted in Trailers on June 25, 2009 by The Count

Ah yes – Richard Kelly.

First you gave us the astoundingly excellent Donnie Darko then, when it was a hit and you were offered monies, you showed us that it was the mistakes that made the film so good and you ruined it with your director’s cut.  Then you made Southland Tales which was initially so bad the studio wouldn’t allow you to release it until they found some Mr Wolf style fixers to re edit the entire movie into something that made sense (of sorts).

Now you offer us The Box which seems to be the movie adaptation of Deal or No Deal.  We’ll see Mr Kelly, we’ll see…

Link to trailer

Prepare, the Cat People!

Posted in Trailers on June 25, 2009 by The DvS

Or Cat Ladies as this trailer suggests. It’s a documentary that focuses on the apparent stereotype of a female that hits a certain age, she then becomes doolally and begins a hobby called “Cat Collecting”. I just made that up. This is to make the female feel comfortable with herself, and never alone. Surely, you’d never feel alone after owning just one feline, but 160 of them means you must have the worst smell of ammonia coming from every pore. Saving lives and making friends, or going insane and smelling of litter trays? Meet the Cat Ladies.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “Prepare, the Cat People!“, posted with vodpod

Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen

Posted in Reviews on June 24, 2009 by The DvS

Here it is, quite possibly the biggest blockbuster this summer has to offer. And I don’t mean it’s box office figures. The Transformers have returned to the screen, and the only thing possibly bigger than them is Michael Bay’s ego. Judging by the apparent publicity shambles he’s recently ranted about, he must not think any of those are big enough either. So, for the sake of his wishes, I have set up this review with some awesome explosions attached, just to make it oh-so-fucking-spectacular reading. BOOM.

Continue reading

Feed My Frankenstein

Posted in News, Rumous with tags , , , on June 19, 2009 by The Count

The New York Post has announced that Bride of Frankenstein is getting a sexy remake (or re-imagination or whatever the buzz phrase is now).  Excited?  No?!  Well if the idea of a Susan Boyle looking creature in a short skirt is turning you off this latest Hollywood attempt at saving money that would otherwise go into creating original ideas then listen up:

“She’ll be young. They’re looking for a person with great power and sex appeal. Someone along the lines of Scarlett Johansson or Anne Hathaway.” New York Post

Suddenly my penis and I agree that this is actually a fantastic idea for a movie.  In fact all they need do now is mention Diora Baird and I’ll prepare my tent and sleeping bag and get ready to camp outside my local cinema.

Bakjwi (The Thirst) Trailer

Posted in Trailers with tags , , , on June 18, 2009 by The Count

What happens when you cross Vampires with Oldboy?  The answer is Bakjwi (The Thirst) by the consistently excellent and shocking Chan-Wook Park (Oldboy, Sympathy for Lady Vengeance).  This looks like it may be another smack in the face for Hollywood’s Twilight (not that the obsessive 13 year old girl fans will care) as another non US country creates a better attempt at a vampire love story.  Not that I’ve seen Bakjwi of course but let’s face it – Twilight was offensively bland.

Anyway here’s the red band trailer (not safe for work) and I should warn you there are some gruseome scenes of blood and toe suckings.

No…I’m alive

Posted in News on June 18, 2009 by The DvS

I demand that from now on the internet movie news sites divide themselves up into two entities. A handful covering original, innovative movies, and then 95% of the rest going batshit for sequels, reboots, remakes and regurgitations. Only yesterday, I read Bride Of Frankenstein is next on the chopping block (NNNNNG). That’s after we deal with those two lunatics above my words.

Sequelitis hits a forgotten franchise as Universal Soldiers: The Next Generation is in development. Look, it’s Dolph! Look, it’s JCVD! Together again like Ike & Tina all over! Really now, is this absolutely necessary? We know Dolph’s on his way to Stallone’s The Expendables, so may be enjoying a brief return to the limelight, and after Van Damme’s excellent part as himself in…JCVD…you’d think he’d do something a little different now it’s in his repertoire. Not at all it seems, as he turned down Stallone’s offer to join Dolph in the “ultimate action movie ever” minus Chuck Norris and Cynthia Rothrock.

The initial adventures of a Uni-Sol was rather amusing, and full of the early 90’s cliches. Then, the series seemingly split into two, with unknown folk making US movies of extreme Bleeding Eyes hell, then Van Damme actually appearing in his own sequel, US: The Return. I think that’s what it was called. I had that on VHS. All I remember is Megadeth, WcW wrestler Bill Goldberg and lots of breaking glass. Says a lot about it’s captivating plot.

Not a lot of details are about, other than it’s being made, it has it’s original co-stars and will not set the world afire. I’m now going to take a wild plot predicition to see if I’m absolutely right in a million years and all your money will be mine. Ahem. Here we go.

Dolph and Damme work in the travel industry and will have a fight upon crossing each other’s paths once more. How are you alive? Same as you. Bap. Tussle. Tumble. Punch. Quip. More fighting. Then, above a nearby hilltop, some figures appear looking menacing. It turns out they are targeted for termination by Skynet, as the next generation in the film’s title are nothing more than a bunch of Terminators. Skynet’s sentient thoughts running through the mainframes of each machine telling them that they are the only cinematic cyborgs that people ever gave a fuck about in the last 25 years, and that a Uni-Sol will always be a 3 a.m. tv movie.

Place your bets now.