No…I’m alive

I demand that from now on the internet movie news sites divide themselves up into two entities. A handful covering original, innovative movies, and then 95% of the rest going batshit for sequels, reboots, remakes and regurgitations. Only yesterday, I read Bride Of Frankenstein is next on the chopping block (NNNNNG). That’s after we deal with those two lunatics above my words.

Sequelitis hits a forgotten franchise as Universal Soldiers: The Next Generation is in development. Look, it’s Dolph! Look, it’s JCVD! Together again like Ike & Tina all over! Really now, is this absolutely necessary? We know Dolph’s on his way to Stallone’s The Expendables, so may be enjoying a brief return to the limelight, and after Van Damme’s excellent part as himself in…JCVD…you’d think he’d do something a little different now it’s in his repertoire. Not at all it seems, as he turned down Stallone’s offer to join Dolph in the “ultimate action movie ever” minus Chuck Norris and Cynthia Rothrock.

The initial adventures of a Uni-Sol was rather amusing, and full of the early 90’s cliches. Then, the series seemingly split into two, with unknown folk making US movies of extreme Bleeding Eyes hell, then Van Damme actually appearing in his own sequel, US: The Return. I think that’s what it was called. I had that on VHS. All I remember is Megadeth, WcW wrestler Bill Goldberg and lots of breaking glass. Says a lot about it’s captivating plot.

Not a lot of details are about, other than it’s being made, it has it’s original co-stars and will not set the world afire. I’m now going to take a wild plot predicition to see if I’m absolutely right in a million years and all your money will be mine. Ahem. Here we go.

Dolph and Damme work in the travel industry and will have a fight upon crossing each other’s paths once more. How are you alive? Same as you. Bap. Tussle. Tumble. Punch. Quip. More fighting. Then, above a nearby hilltop, some figures appear looking menacing. It turns out they are targeted for termination by Skynet, as the next generation in the film’s title are nothing more than a bunch of Terminators. Skynet’s sentient thoughts running through the mainframes of each machine telling them that they are the only cinematic cyborgs that people ever gave a fuck about in the last 25 years, and that a Uni-Sol will always be a 3 a.m. tv movie.

Place your bets now.

One Response to “No…I’m alive”

  1. countdeceredigion Says:

    Good plot. Needs more Jason Statham and Diora Baird though…

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