Archive for August, 2009

Oh dear God…

Posted in Trailers with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 29, 2009 by The Count

Well we here at BLAMMO love Diora Baird.  We championed her from back before we actually existed (note to self – think sentences through before you start them) and back her and any *ahem* future projects she may or may not be doing.

So I’m afraid we have little choice but to show you this latest ‘film’ by one of the producers of Scary Movie and Soul Plane.  It tells the Life of Brian esq story of the prophesied return of a great champion and mistaken identity when the villains from famous horror flicks are lampooned as they chase about some guy that just happens to be called  Stan Helsing.  Yes that hilarious.  Yes I’m afraid so.

The fact they seem to be copying the ‘Date Movie’ style theme is rather disconcerting and probably speaks volumes about the quality of this affair.  Oh hold on I get it – his name SOUNDS like Van Helsing!  Oh LOLOLOLOLOL!

Sorry Diora – we really do love you though.

Inglorious Alternate Basterds

Posted in News with tags , , , on August 29, 2009 by The DvS

It’s such a crime I haven’t been to see this film yet. Thankfully the internet has been kind enough not to give anything away about Tarantino’s latest yet, which will make me feel all fuzzy inside when I do get around to seeing it. But as, once again, it’s being yet another dull news day, let’s look at some funky alternative posters for Inglorious Basterds which you may be able to use as some kind of desktop wallpaper or even print off and staple to your face to relieve the boredom. It’s only now that Star Wars Basterds sounds absolutely special.

Kudos points and a candy bar for Mr Paperstacks once more.

Rose isn’t so Red (Sonja)

Posted in News with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 29, 2009 by The DvS

A long time ago, namely last year, we’d mentioned on the network that at last year’s Comic Con, Rose McGowan was all geared up to be part of Robert Rodriguez’s spin on Red Sonja. There were even posters about it.  Big colourful marketing.   Kind of looked like this.

Lovely.   We thought so then, despite it being an absolutely oddball choice for a scarlet maned warrior goddess. Never mind, those big Brigitte Nielsen fans who had doubts may be slightly relieved to hear that McGowan spoke out on her Twitter page about the progress of Red Sonja.

Just this once i’ll address questions about Red Sonja & others i was meant to do in ‘08. Major personal &private reasons I pulled out. Starting 2 want to work again. Sometimes real life fucking sucks. That’s all. God bless us survivors.

Reckon that’s a resounding “I’m out“? Sounds like it to me.  Will it ever get made?  I hope so, there’s a lack of fantasy yarns on screen these days, and despite World Of Warcraft being Raimi helmed, you ain’t going to get much else other than a Sci Fi original movie.  If Red Sonja needs to go ahead then I have two choices to replace McGowan. One’s obvious, the other’s just been introduced.

Diora.  The internet’s girlfriend.  Biased opinion

OR!

Christina Hendricks.   She played Saffron in Joss Whedon’s Firefly, some character in a show called Mad Men which is meant to be very good and has the OTT cleavage that fantasy artists desire so much when drawing warrior maidens.  Of course, BLAMMO is more than willing to write a Red Sonja movie at anytime.  Don’t hesitate to call.

Going Underground…

Posted in Trailers with tags , , , , , on August 28, 2009 by The Count

Neil Marshall‘s original is, in my opinion, the scariest film since The Shining.  The idea of girls going potholing to me is terrifying in it self and if there were absolutely no (wo)man eating monsters hunting within the darkness I’d still find it unbearably horrible.  How people can go playing underground where they don’t have room to move their arms or turn around seems ludicrous to me… but i digress!

The original Descent, combined with it’s double meaning title and awesome ending (bizarrely cut for the American audience) has been given a sequel and judging from this trailer looks to be everything we expected it to be.  No longer about a woman on the virge of a mental breakdown following the death of her family it seems to follow the traditional monster/ slasher model of lots of screaming and shots of scary monsters.  Yawn.

Of course this may be a complete misunderstanding on my part but I really can’t stress enough how The Descent didn’t need a sequel and I only really post this up to encourage those that have yet to see it to go out and watch the original.

Blob Zombie

Posted in News, Rumous with tags , , , on August 28, 2009 by The DvS

First thing I see this morning, is a little report from Variety, stating that Halloween revamper and erstwhile Psychoholic Slag (yes, I was a huge White Zombie fan and wanted to fit that in somewhere), Rob Zombie has been given the almighty permission to remake the Steve McQueen fifties sci fi romp, The Blob. Not content with continuing with something original again, eh chaps? Im not even going to begin with the WHYYYYYYY’s on this, and it’s already been remade once in 1988 (I had that and Critters on the same VHS, that must make me Video King) which was big business on twilight satellite television.

I’m pretty sure it’s yet another attempt to garner attention for Zombie’s upcoming Halloween II, something I’m really not bothered about as the first “re-imagining” was a tangy sauce made from the finest weak. And in all honesty, this quote is just a shitbomb.

“My intention is not to have a big red blobby thing — that’s the first thing I want to change. That gigantic Jello-looking thing might have been scary to audiences in the 1950s, but people would laugh now.”

Riddle me this, When is a Blob, not a Blob? How the fuck are you supposed to add shape to something referred to as a blob? Look it up in a dictionary, I’m sure you get the result of “an indistinct or shapeless form or object [imitative]” Yet, I see it all now. It’ll take form alright. I’ll peg it down as not a big red blobby thing, but a big red T-1000. Yeah, why not, let’s have The Blob be a fucking shapeshifter. Nnnnng. Considering how Zombie spoke up in an in-depth interview recently and expressed his dislike for sequels and reboots (despite helming a reboot and a sequel to a reboot thus becoming a pot and calling that kettle black), this is, without a shadow of a doubt, a crock of shit.

Hey, remember that theme song? I do. I’ll dance, even if you won’t.

Fox Woman rumous

Posted in News, Rumous with tags , , , , , , , , on August 26, 2009 by The Count

Yeah well I couldn’t be bothered to think of a better pun as this is clearly untrue but anyways:

Megan Fox has signed up to play Catwoman in the next Batman movie. (The Sun.com)

Okay here we go again.

1)  No way would Chris Nolan cast someone with this calibre of (non) acting skills and

2) They haven’t even written the script yet so why would they start casting?

Then again, as mentioned on WWTDD.com, The Sun were the people that officially announced Eddie Murphy as The Riddler a few months ago so take what you like from this – for us it means we get to put up a pic for the Megan Fox fans out there who, I am certain, there are countless.

Regardless whether this is true or not (it isn’t) this will be rather bad news for Miley Cyrus who apparently was extremely keen to get this part.  Insert achey breaky heart pun here.

Thanks to GW Paperstacks for the story.

Enchanting Rumous

Posted in News, Rumous with tags , , , , , on August 26, 2009 by The DvS

It’s not breaking news in the slightest.  This is something thought up last night between the Blammo Gods and we’d like to share it with you.  It will fall nicely into our “Rumous” category, as either we’re starting one, or stealing a rumour that’s unbeknownst to us already been printed.  So, see that Diora Baird right?  Below, in your case.

Well, Diora has a Twitter page. One we follow religiously, because she’s in a secret shrine I have situated in the deepest part of my wardrobe a really beautiful woman and can easily lay a claim to being the funniest person on Twitter.  There’s another “lay” joke in there somewhere, but that’s for after hours.  Yet despite the hilarious vagina talk, she tweeted about a role she’d just auditioned for.  The role was for the Branagh helmed Thor movie, and the criteria was for “Pretty, but sturdy with muscle”. If you don’t know anything about Thor comics, thank heavens you have me here for I can only think of one character that matches her follow up comment of  “damn type casting“.  Might I introduce you to The Enchantress? Continue reading