The Guest Spot: Suffer The Twilight

A guest post? Here? Say it ain’t so! Well, it is. Finally, someone has stepped up to the plate to give us, and you, an opinion of a film that we’re either too embarassed to admit we watched, or a film that has a beautiful lady in it that makes our lips jibber jabber as we lose control over our bodily functions.  Some Baird woman, most of the time. Anyway, fair Blammo readers, welcome our dear friend Kat and his opinion of something that appeals to a lot of screaming girls.

The Osmonds?! YAY!

Oh. THAT.

I gave myself a 24 hour cool-off period before attempting any kind of review. Although subdued, my opinion remain the same.

As we all know, vampires have always made good movie subjects. However, the media they feature in is no more fresh or imaginative than the hordes of zombie movies, tv shows and games that have flooded my retina to breaking point over the last 10 years or so. Enter Twilight.

Twilight does something new, and it’s refreshing that it does so. It’s just unfortunate that what it does is utterly brutalises the vampire almost as much as big Willy’s “I Am Legend” brutalised Richard Matheson’s work. It is a sad day when I see a non-comedic (or at least unintentionally so) vampire film with vegetarian vampires that don’t go out in the sunlight. Not because they burn in a traditional way most would expect, nor because it is their unnatural time and are in a weakened state like Dracula, but because they sparkle. A more accurate title for the film would be “Sparkling Vegetarian Love Vampires That Run Like Twats ”. I think that covers it.

Twilight’s God-awful treatment of the subject is nothing more than a piss in the eye of all those who have attempted to better or sustain the mythology. I point to Bram Stoker’s superb love story that transcends time, Matheson’s astonishingly insightful and thoughtful attempt at explaining the legend, and Anne Rice’s simply well-structured stories and characterisation.

Perhaps I’m being unfair to make this comparison, as the film adaptation of Matheson’s work was realistically incomparable other than in name. Still, there is no denying that Twilight, as a film, is a lowlight in both vampiric and cinematic history. The film itself is poorly acted throughout. The leading cast are mediocre and quite dislikeable (Robert Pattinson’s Edward is a complete wanker at times), while the supporting cast can’t seriously put ‘actor’ on their CV after being a part of this vomit-inducing drivel. The special effects are sub-70’s for the most part, and the direction is just about on par with a straight to Sci-fi Channel movie of the week.
People may argue that I’m not a girl, a child or a complete cock, and therefore not the intended target of such bilge. In response I will argue that perhaps as an adult my taste and understanding is better than theirs. I don’t enjoy Twilight in the same way I don’t use a potty or run out in front of a bus without looking. Nor do I piss myself or need someone to wipe my nose. If I did, then Twilight would be an ideal choice of entertainment.

Kat scores Twilight 2 Emovamps Sucking out of 5. This is a generous score, and has only been obtained by Kristen Stewart being hot.