Remake: We Are Many

H-h-h-h-h-h-h-has everybody heard, about the bird? Yes that flock of remake seagulls flying above movie studios everywhere, daily, hourly, BY THE SECOND. With films like Zombieland and District 9, tearing through the legions of Seen-It-All-Befores having their moment to shine. And they did. Now, sadly, these forces are multiplying at a rate of knots, and it’s my duty to shout and moan about them. Ready? LAUNCH THE DvS NEGATOMIC PURIFIER.

First example: The Amityville Horror. Hello there, this was remade four years ago wasn’t it? Ryan Reynolds sporting his finest Joy Of Sex beard whilst attempting to protect Melissa George with his dear life from all the terrors a haunted house threw at them? Just like 1979 in fact! Dimension Pictures have seemingly forgotten this Michael Bay/Platinum Dunes version and are bringing their own version to the table, because it’s the right thing to do. Oh hold on, haunted house…Paranormal Activity being the in-thing in most circles…do you smell that odour of horrendous cash-in nearby? I’m merely guessing this, if it turns out to be true then I’ll give you an address as to where to send me your finest whiskies.

Next up: The Crow. I know this has been on the slab for a reboot for years now, but it seems casting’s on the way and filming starts real soon. Right. I didn’t mind the original movie, as I thought (and still do) it was one of the only comic book adaptations that actually stuck close to it’s guns and didn’t change much of the O’Barr penned graphic novel. It also became popular for perhaps the wrong reasons, as it’s well documented about Brandon Lee’s death during filming. It also was the cause of many a shit Halloween costume, where fat people painted their faces and wore bin bags. Perhaps, as a mark of respect, it’d be wise to leave it alone, seeing as two follow up movies and a tv series didn’t exactly re-ignite the franchise to new heights. FUCK NO! Let’s do another one! How will it play out? Well, I can’t see it being much different, apart from all the music that appears on Saw soundtracks will be involved, and Eric Draven will front a Screamo band, then mope about for the duration of the film until he gets revenge. Moping…whos good at moping lately….oh fuck no, not that Twilight bastard….

Short Circuit: File under “SKULLFUCKING YOUR CHILDHOOD MEMORIES AND REFUSING TO MOP IT UP“. They say the director of Paul Blart: Mall Cop is at the helm, because we really care about this. There is really nothing wrong with the original movie, you know, Mr Executive Types. Kids enjoy it still. I enjoy it for this.

Hey, you wanna remake Mac & Me too and really upset me?!

Highlander: To be remade by the director of Fast & Furious? We are desperate.

The Exorcist: Oh wait up, maybe this is desperation.

The Blair Witch Project: Nope, this is the desperation winner. Clear cut, no need to be by a nose. No video replays. Note, anyone can remake the Blair Witch. All you need is a video camera, a witty student, a smartass midget and a lady full of mucus and a bunch of sticks. Auditions will be held tomorrow via my garden.

While I write this, it’s been brought to my attention that 2012 will be remade. Sorry, my mistake, there is no polishing a turd.

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