The Guest Spot: Same shit, different day.

Many thanks once again for someone offering to come and quite happily sit through a film the Blammo crew really wouldn’t touch with yours. Today, a brave soul known only to us as “Matt” has sent me his thoughts about a movie that’s no stranger to heated debate. Also please remember, this is a guest review and does not reflect the thoughts of the Blammo team whatsoever. Much. The movie, if you please “Matt“…

Oh boy. Podium’s now yours, sir…

2009 has been a year of many things shoved into the gullets of the masses. The Large Hadron Collider is up and running, possibly about to destroy the universe; the Icelandic banking system fell over pretty spectacularly, and now Lazytown may be cancelled as a direct result; and Summit Entertainment has spawned another Twilight movie from its nether regions, called New Moon. I think “Breaking Wind” would be a better title, but then I’m not in charge of making movies. If I was I can guarantee you that even if I was drunk on Absinthe and legally dead, I could STILL make a better movie than this.

For those of you who missed Twilight, here’s a recap: girl meets boy. Boy is a standoffish jackass. Girl is a clingy teen with no will. Boy is a sparkly vampire who can read minds! Girl is immune to this power – probably because there’s nothing there to read! They fall in love and he can’t bear to be with her because she’ll be in danger, and she’s an idiot who falls over and blinks. A LOT. Oh, and some evil vampire starts some trouble but gets ripped to pieces and set on fire.

New Moon begins just after the first film, with Edward “Mr. Sparkles” Cullen (played by Robert “My face looks like a foot” Pattinson) telling Bella Swann (Kristen Stewart in a waste of talent) that the Cullens are moving away, and that she’ll never see him again. She copes by having nightmares and staring out of a window for three months, just like any well-adjusted teenager. Eventually, Bella drags herself out of moping long enough to go shopping with a friend, and wanders off for a motorbike ride with some ruffian.. but as she does she hallucinates Mr. Sparkles telling her to walk away and stop being an idiot. (Oh, you card.) A short ride later she figures out that being in danger will trigger these hallucinations, so tries things to get her fix – fixing up bikes with the friendly local werewolf, Jacob (some guy) and then riding headfirst into a rock, and cliffjumping which ends in her knocking herself out underwater. If she’d died there and then I could’ve saved an hour of my life but no! Jacob pulls her out and saves her. The twat.

Anyway. After about 40 minutes of meandering through the “plot” Bella realises that Mr. Sparkles thinks she’s dead, so he no longer wants to sell amazing detergent in a furious feudal Japanese manner live. Will Bella save him? Do we care? Why is my back itching so much?

This movie has almost no redeeming features. The most interesting characters are the Volturi, but even they act like they’re suppressing the urge to sing YMCA, and this isn’t really appropriate for the ruling vampire enforcers. To recap, we have: a movie that has a wafer thin plot, a terrible female protagonist with the will of a dead jellyfish, a vampire that makes Anne Rice’s interpretations look like party animals, bad CGI werewolves, glittery vampires, and an all-round extra helping of incoherence. Do yourselves a favour and avoid this movie like you would the ebola virus and sprouts, because this is a far greater travesty of nature than both those things combined.

Twilight: New Moon scores a depressing 1 Lycanthropemo out of 5. And this is on the ground that the motorbikes were cool.

7 Responses to “The Guest Spot: Same shit, different day.”

  1. All this because vampires DO NOT SPARKLE….they bite and seduce you… they are in biker gangs and live in caves with giant Jim Morrison picture!

  2. Captain Hurf Says:

    Over the years, we’ve gone from Nosferatu, to The Lost Boys, to Bram Stoker’s Dracula (ok – a bit overblown but a good look at the character and his motivation), to Blade and finally crashing down to Twilight. It’s all rather messed up.

    • Nice review but I don’t understand where you’re going with this comment. You cite a horror, then a teen flick, a fantasy romance and finally a dreadful comic book action thing… before suggesting Twilight crashed the vampire thing?

      As far as I’m concerned there have been way more terrible vamp flicks than good ones yet Twilight seems to have really upset a lot of people because girls like it?

      Some amusing selections here over at Melk’s Place: http://davidmelkevik.co.uk/default.htm

      • Captain Hurf Says:

        Twilight hacks me off because of the fanbase that resembles a cult in places. I just don’t get it. I b’lieve our own good Mr. DvS can point you in the direction of a good example.. make that a terrifying example.

  3. Ladies & gentlemen, the definitive cinematic vampire.

  4. You must love Twilight really, you guys don’t shut up about it! lol!

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