The Count Counts Down 3 of the Worst

Now I know many both want and expect me to just post three Michael Bay or Brett Ratner movies and leave it like that but, though both Pearl Harbor and Transformers 2 came very close to being added to this list, they do (and I feel I’m betraying myself here) have slight redeeming qualities: the cinematography and effects are simply amazing.  Fucking terrible films yes… but not without some minor, unrelated to their director, qualities.

Also I’ve not chosen utter tripe that I watch on Zone Horror on a weekly basis (fuck you Day of the Dead 2) as I find it unfair to compare a movie made for a few grand with one that could possibly buy you a small country in the Caribbean. Nor have I mentioned Indiana Jones for raping movies in this decade in the way The Phantom Menace did in the last (not sure why that didn’t make the list actually)…

And so I’ve chosen films that really offended me on every level instead of just the ‘racist robots, stick a camera up Megan Fox’s vagina‘ type levels:

The Da Vinci Code (2006)

I hated the book but not for the reasons people expect. I found Dan Brown’s supposedly shocking novel dull, predictable and, above all, offensively patronising.  However I thought, with a good screenwriter involved and a solid director, that it could be transformed into an Indiana Jones style mystery adventure.  How astoundingly wrong I was.  Appalling performances from some of the best actors in the world, dull as shit scripting and direction from a helmsman that can’t have turned up on set, The Da Vinci Code was so hard to get through that by the time the end finally dragged along all I wanted was to get the fuck out of the cinema and get thoroughly drunk.  You’ll be glad, dear readers, that I did exactly that

The Wickerman (Remake) (2006)

Was there ever any doubt that this was going to be terrible?  Lucky for me I was working in a video rental store at the time this little gem came out and I felt it my duty to take one for the team and watch it so I could, with all sincerity, tell customers that i couldn’t possibly rent them such a title.  Well it is indeed THAT BAD.  They seem to take moments from the classic original and just throw them in a film that doesn’t make any sense.  The original was about a bigoted policeman whose, vital to the plot, characteristic traits were that he was a Christian, a virgin and a complete dick. In the remake he’s still a cop but he’s not clearly religious, has a child and seems to be a rather nice fellow.  So when he gets burned at the end and tortured by bees (yup bees) it just seems a little harsh (though I have to say I was grateful as it heralded the end of a terrible movie).  The acting is notoriously bad (see the YouTube clips for hilarious proof “arrggh the beeeeeeeess, etc”) and the directions seems to be ‘Ok Nic – run over there and then run over there’… and that’s pretty much it.  To conclude DO NOT watch… ever.

An American Haunting (2005)

OK first off I can’t see how anybody, especially critcs, could recommend this film to anyone as it is both extremely predictable and an exceptionally boring movie.  As many of you know I’m one of those people who gets scared very easily (vivid imagination and Nam flashbacks most likely the cause) and for the first twenty minutes I was really pretty terrified.  And then I got bored.  And then the ‘twist’ occurred and I groaned.  Then it ended.

The direction was appalling (unnecessary changes from colour to black and white confuse me, not scare me) and the theory of the more jumps the better wears very thin very quickly… but the major problem was definitely the actual story telling.  By the time the first act is over they’ve pretty much done everything they can to scare (and torture the protagonists) leaving the next two acts nothing new to offer.  The awesomely exciting twist is obvious to anyone who has seen the, much better, funnier and scarier, Twin Peaks from about ten minutes into the plot and the prologue/epilogue contemporary scenes are just stupid. Really stupid.  Damn just remembering that I paid money to see this has got me all angry again.  I seem to remember reviewing it back in 2005 thus: ‘PLEASE DO NOT WATCH. EVER’.

5 Responses to “The Count Counts Down 3 of the Worst”

  1. Ah hell – Die Another Day deserves to be in this too. Oh and absolutely anything with Eddie Murphy. Damn I wish I’d put a little more thought into this list.

  2. Fuck off, Meet Dave was cinematic genius and a fine return to form for Murphy.

    /sarcasm.

  3. As was Pluto Nash.

    /bullshit.

  4. ACCCCCKKKKKK!!!! Nic Cage with the mention of bees. Now I’m having flashbacks. But Karma is a mean bitch and she’s taking her revenge in the form of the IRS. This why people shouldm’t do remakes, Christopher Lee will curse your ass for screwing with one of his proclaimed favorite acting gigs… Did I mention I hate that movie? Remake that gem of a film… pffft, they even offended the pagan gods with that crap.

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