Ten years and all I got was this prestigious ranting platform

So, here we are, escaping the “Noughties” as they’ve been dubbed and ploughing headlong into the “Tenties“. Is that it? Tenties? And the challenge has been laid down to find three solitary pieces of crap that hit the screens in these ten years. Just three. This is so hard. In those ten years, my eyes have either been subjected to visions of  beauty, or horrific eyegougers that you wouldn’t wish to touch with your mother’s. But now, here for you, are my choices for Three Golden Brown Nuggets!

REIGN OF FIRE (2002)

I don’t think there’s ever been a film that’s generated so much hype from one solitary image on a poster as much as this. First glance was always the best one. The promise of dragons, living and breathing in today’s world and totally fucking up the planet, fighting off Apache gunships. Monsters versus humanity. How we’d love to see these fights onscreen! Then a trailer arrived, and fanatics got a little bit more excited in seeing a dragon attack a local village. Wait? Village? Yeah alarm bells rung with me there, and not the rest of Joe Public.

And then along came the film. A movie that promised it would have dressed up as your dream partner and let you screw the gubbins out of him/her, only to discover that the likeness is that of a wino, beards ‘n all regardless of which sex, and the smell of bullshit is too unbearable. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Reign Of Fire LIED to you. Those big action scenes that you envisioned from that single image and got you excited happened during the credits. You only saw them as news articles set amongst FLAMES! ROARING FLAMES!

And then what did we get? The struggles of humanity, reverting to our lead characters shacked up in a castle for refuge and safety against the creatures. A world charred, technology cruelly taken away by something we only get to see about seven minutes onscreen. The attempt at character development was awful. A pre-Batman-post-Bateman Bale running around with a beard, barking orders at females wanting them to fight thin air, Matthew McConaughey arriving to this small village, via a tank straight from the U.S itself because (ha) it would have failed to impress an American audience had it not had at least one American actor involved. There is no point to this, as there was never any clear outcome. The film served as a confusion piece, or a desire to get this idea out there as soon as possible. It felt rushed. The lack of the big bads on display sums up Reign Of Fire being more of a missed opportunity than even a sniff of becoming a cult classic. With a bit of thought behind it, it by no means should have ended up in this segment. Hype, at it’s best.

Scary Movie (2000)

Epic Movie, Meet The Spartans, Date Movie, Disaster Movie, Shit Movie, I Chopped My Penis Off & Fed It To Your Dogfaced Mother Movie. If we’re on a bloodthirsty scavenger hunt to find the bastard responsible for nigh on a decade’s worth of preposterous, unfunny entertainment, then we need to stroll up to the House Of Wayans and release our unrelenting cinematic wrath on them for the release of Scary Movie.

If it’s got one good thing going for it, it’s Anna Faris, and they’re for my own personal reasons (ahem). The film that decided to capture the best bits of recent horror movies and splice them together with a unique brand of humour (we call it “shit”), Scary Movie amused a lot of people at the cinema. Mainly because they had no teeth and had fresh stepped out of a successful lobotomy. The basis was on Scream, the ghostfaced killer (hmmm) running amok with a perma-stoned mask, and attacking the audience with at least a bazillion jokes including my favourite Last Century Rip Off Gag, the Bullet Time effect seen in The Matrix. Why not? It was cool enough for that movie, it’s cool enough for a below par yawnfest.

The formula’s always the same. Hey look, there’s a weed joke. An unfortunate sexual incident joke. A Riverdance joke. A poor impressionist. You know the drill, and that’s only if you’re an avid fan of this type of movie. If you happen to be such a fan, then you probably didn’t understand a word I just said, did you!

The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

Again, another movie maker relying on one formula to make him a shitload of money is not the Michael Bay you were thinking of. No, Roland Emmerich is who we’re looking at, and his love of disaster surpasses a real anarchist. The man is trying everything to get the world destroyed, from aliens, to a (soul destroying, never mind a city) giant Japanese cult icon turned female. And here we have a global warming issue!

In fairness to him, it was kind of a topical issue, but sadly with the amount of dollar bill signs flowing, he had the green light to turn it riiiiight up to Ludicrous Levels. I say “sadly” with little honesty. Ssssh don’t tell anyone but here’s the formula to make “great movies

  • You need your lead character to be knowledgable of the incoming crisis.
  • Your character then tries to warn people about the effects that could happen if ignored.
  • Your character then gets ignored.
  • The crisis happens on a massive scale thats so over the top, it’s hilarious. That’s not the desired reaction!
  • Lead character’s family member just happens to be “on the other side of the crisis
  • Lead character suddenly decides he’s impervious to anything that could happen to him and sets off to reunite with his loved ones.
  • Get bored for the following two hours of absolutely nothing happening.
  • Fall asleep.
  • Watch climax as family are reunited, by which time you really don’t care and want some whiskey.

Now,  I imagine some of you movie goers are seeing this thing right now, in the form of 2012. Where I come from, like the rest of us carbon based lifeforms, the end of the world is pretty much the end of the world. There is no happy ending.

5 Responses to “Ten years and all I got was this prestigious ranting platform”

  1. Fuck Emmerich. Bit harsh on the old Reign of Fire though? Surely there are worse movies…

  2. There are, yes, but I didn’t go to the cinema to see those. I did with Reign, and left angry. Hence my placing.

  3. Based upon the level of disappointment I can understand the placing of Reign of Fire.

  4. Captain Hurf Says:

    Can two movies of a series count as two seperate entries? (I think you know where I’m going with this..) If not, I’d like to nominate the following:

    – Twilight in general
    – Terminator Salvation
    – Catwoman

    Thank you, I’ll be here all week.

  5. Twilight’s too soon in my eyes. It’s also complete shit, and I don’t know how to stress this any further. STOP IT.

    If you want to write about these, then the podium’s empty.

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