Ill Thought Out Rants About Movies I Didn’t Like This Decade.

I’ve been asked to make a top three worst movie list and that may seem easy enough for most, but my viewing habits don’t really allow for “bad” movies, so there may be a problem!  The films I choose to watch are very specifically picked based on various guidelines that I have developed over 20 years or so of hating on mainstream cinema.  The self enforced guidelines start on the ridged foundations that most people use, “who made it“, “who’s in it” and, if it’s just a totally random movie, why would I watch this“, “does this have zombies in it and lastly of course, will I see some tits?”.  From this base guideline I will dismiss away the majority of the movies made in a year by process of elimination and I have no issue with having never watched movies that everyone will be talking about, I’ve never seen Top-Gun, probably never will and I don’t feel any less of a man for it!

Well with that said my list is either made through moments of weak judgement, betrayal by a former hero or through some sick self-inflicted sadomasochistic addiction to movies with the word “movie” at the end (or misinformed about it containing tits? Ed.).  Please feel free to comment if you feel slighted in any way.

Any movie by Jason Friedburg

I actually disagree with my esteemed colleague The DvS, Scary Movie was a genuine spoof that stayed on topic and lampooned the new wave of horror from the late 90’s, Scream et al.  Sure the Scary Movie series got worse as they went on (and apparently there is a fifth on its way), but they pale in comparison to the hell that was to follow. Disaster Movie, Epic Movie, Date Movie and Meet the Spartans were all written produced and directed by one man… Jason Friedburg must be stopped.

The problem with, Epic, Disaster, Date movie’s and the worst of the four “Meet the Spartans” is that they are totally interchangeable with one another.  The “Movie” movies remind me of a retard playing with a lego set, Sure all the bricks click into place with one another, but that “sailboat” you made is just a clump of bricks with a c3p0 figure at the top.  Whilst Friedburg’s efforts have a main theme, the jokes are not so much spoofs on a subject as observations on modern media, any modern media, mostly stories in the media that most of us will have forgotten in 10 years and will make these movies even harder to watch.  An example of this lego brick style is in Epic Movie which at one point “lampoons” Nacho Libre (which is a great but by no means “epic” movie), without an actual “joke” to be seen.  This disjointed sketch could have been forced into any of the four movies and it’s this “forcing” of various scenes that make the movie “movies” so very bad. In Disaster Movie there is a dance off scene… umm why exactly? There have been many high profile disaster movies in the last 10 years or so, is it so hard to stay on topic and properly spoof a genre?  No it’s absolutely not and until Jason Friedburg understands this he’ll carry on making millions of pounds at the cinema and from DVD sales… oh bollocks.

(Interesting side note, Black Dynamite is by far the best spoof for many years, yet is currently on a limited cinema release and not known by the majority of the world, it’s a travesty is what it is.)

The Love Guru

Mike Myers you were my idol!  I knew Myers trod a tight line with comedy, Wayne’s World was funny to me, hilariously quotable with lots of short skit like scenes you could skip were you so inclined.  However it was hated across the board by the “grown up” movie reviewers at the time and I started to doubt myself: what if I was seeing something that wasn’t there?  What if quotables do not a good movie make?  Well the doubts became irrelevant when Austin Powers came out because I had another three movies worth of quotables to quote!   Again there was a (smaller this time) group of reviewers who hated the Austin Powers series, despite the fact the first one really is genius and again that nagging feeling came back – Austin Powers Goldmember was largely full of rehashed jokes from the first two, sure they were still funny, but was Myers simply running out of ideas?

When The Love Guru reared its head in2008 we heard Mike Myers had made a new character and the standard questions sprung to mind: was it going to be a gold mine of quotes and hilarious gentle spoofing on a genre close to the writers heart and would it spark a surge in the sale of fake teeth and blue suede suits?  No, the Love Guru was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, a movie so bad that it makes you re-evaluate the stars previous works.  All those terrible insecurities came flooding back: maybe Waynes World 1&2 were terrible, maybe Austin Powers was just the same 2 jokes repeated ad nauseum?  So I Married an Axe Murderer was just Mike Myers being obnoxious to people whom he felt superior?

I turned the Love Guru off shortly after I realised that Mike Myers couldn’t pull off whatever accent it was he was trying to pull off and that most of the lines seemed like Austin Powers rejects. I’ve never given it another look, I was hoping that my brain would forget it existed and that the memory of those early Myers classics could stay clean, but it was too late, the damage is done and I doubt I’ll ever watch a Mike Myers movie again.

Donkey Punch

It doesn’t take much to offend the Daily Mail, but Donkey Punch was special.  One mail pundit called it “the vilest film I’ve ever seen” and whilst I was sure that would certainly make it worth watching I soon discovered that I would be forced to side with the Daily Mail.

Donkey Punch is everything I hate about British cinema this Decade.  British cinema seems drawn into a constant battle to reflect “real” British life and as a result tends to pick one of two extremes: either Britain is gritty, brutal and full of crime (a genre that Brazil showed the world how to do with “City of God”) or we’re quirky, silly and really just middle classed romantics (boooooring).  There apparently is no middle ground, no room for the normal, just two sides of a coin that only exists for a tiny percentage of the nation.

Well as you’d imagine Donkey Punch a film that takes its name from the act of punching someone in the back of the head whilst giving her/him the bum love falls on the “gritty” side of the coin.  In a nutshell three “common” girls go on a boat ride with some rich boys and they all kill each other over an hour of “thriller”.  Not being able to create a sense of claustrophobia on a boat in the middle of the ocean is akin to not being able to organise a piss-up in a brewery yet that’s what we’re dealing with here. After the first 20 minutes of dirty sex followed by the infamous “donkey punch” that looks like a tap on the back of the head that would have been met with an “ow what did you do that for?” (not the death that results), the cast take it in turns to go stir crazy with guilt and murder each other.  It’ll be the longest hour of your life as you wait for another flash of titties that never comes.

The real reason I hate this movie is that it was funded by the British film council with money given to them by the National Lottery Fund. In the same year another lottery funded movie, the amazing “Man on Wire”, raked up awards around the world, this cunt of a movie stood alongside it like a retarded step brother, showing the movie industries of the world that as usual the UK had run out of good ideas.

Fuck you Donkey Punch, firstly for not delivering on the titties in the second half of the movie and secondly for making me agree with the Daily Mail… fuck you in the ass.

One Response to “Ill Thought Out Rants About Movies I Didn’t Like This Decade.”

  1. I applaud any review that describes it’s subject as “this cunt of a movie”.

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