Bleeding Eyes 2010: Marked for Death

Never seen this classic movie?  Want to make like you’ve seen it but can’t be bothered?  No problem then – read and refresh as I watch it for you:

Seagal is undercover in Mexico/ some Latin place fighting drug dealers

Seagal shoots a naked woman. He’s clearly a bad ass.

Seagal goes to confession to let the viewer know of all the bad ass shit he’s done.

Seagal quits his job but his boss doesn’t want him to go (“Godammit John we need you”).

Seagal confuses with his accent as he visits family.

Unseen by Seagal a group of racial stereotypes talk about drugs and how they’re going to fuck up society with their supplies. Seagal wouldn’t approve – that’s for sure!

A voodoo lady just did a spell by getting naked and soapy and drinking Bacardi

Jamaican stereotypes with funny accents have pissed off Seagal who is looking slightly lost and is wearing his favourite line dancing shirt whilst drinking in a bar

News report explains that not all Jamaicans are bad… just these bad accented ones

The local police discuss how bad ass Seagal is.

The bad guys are discussing how evil they are. I don’t really understand what they’re saying.

Oh god “THEY HURT MY BABY”.  Greatest delivery ever.

Seagal is really pissed about the baby hurting – he’s going to hurt back. BIG.

Seagal may need to work on his detective skills. When trying to get information he kills one informant and watches as another jumps out of a window.

This has really angered the baddies. They really want him dead for this insult to detecting.

Blonde girl wears glasses indicating she is clever. I suspect she may take them off in a minute to show she is also attractive.

Baddies have broken into Seagal’s sister’s house and are painting smiley faces on her tummy

Seagal is really pissed now and is driving around in a pick up truck with a gun shooting at Jamaicans.

Hostage situation and Seagal tells the bad guy to kill her. HE’S CALLING YOUR BLUFF AND KNOWS KUNG FU, YO

Seagal has the awesome line dancing shirt back on and is visiting teh blonde lady… who has taken her glasses off!

Seagal has changed his shirt to drive home and why not?

Uh oh they’ve burned his Ford Mustang. SOMEONE IS GONNA PAY

And the line dancing shirt is back. Seagal really knows how to dress for any occasion damn you. He’s laying down some wisdom and he and his gang decide to go to the source of the problems…

Wow montage of Seagal preparing for some bad ass drug dealer whooping interspersed with some hilarious jokes about his gun!

Reggae music and establishing shots of various Caribbean folk – WE MUST BE IN JAMAICA!

Seagal is wearing the rolled up sleeved jacket and jeans combo in a reggae club.  He is irresistible to all women.

Night falls and synth stabs declare it’s danger time. Looking slightly lost Seagal and his two friends are armed and are hiding in the garden, shooting folk.

Fuck this sneaking about – let’s just shoot everybody. Seagal knows how to party!

OMG – the bad guys have captured Seagal! And they have photos of him as a youngan! What can they possibly have planned?!!!

Seagal breaks the bad guys’ arms and nobody likes that shit. No siree.

The good guys play a trick on the baddies. It doesn’t work and now one of them is dead.

Seagal looks slightly lost but still manages to aikido his way through the villain’s lair, leaving a trail of broken limbs behind him.

Wow this is how to end action movies! Sword fight with big baddie, before back breaking wrestling move before throwing bad guy down and elevator shaft!

End credits with reggae music!

9 Responses to “Bleeding Eyes 2010: Marked for Death”

  1. This is marked as a true classic to some though. Perhaps you really need to scrape the barrell of Seagal movies though, like that vampire one he’s just done.

  2. It’s not a classic to me. This isn’t even good enough to mop my jizz.

  3. GW Paperstacks Says:

    I like this concept, spoil a movie for people who haven’t seen it, good work dick.

  4. S Sea Gull Says:

    DvS is obviously a proper commie. Classic film is this!

  5. Classic to some. You fit the bill! Well done.

  6. I hear this is all your doing anyway, Mr Gull. Your attempt at revolution could have have been far superior than this. Y’know, Nico or The Glimmer Man, or that oen with Michael Caine.

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