I have been watching….

It’s my little “we’re still alive” update to the masses as no doubt, someone out there has missed us. Yeah, just you. Thanks. Anyway, D, what have you been watching? Sit down, I’ll tell you!

PONTYPOOL

Zombies! Again! Only we don’t see any at all, so you can breathe a sigh of relief somewhat. Being a zombie itself is possibly a bit contrived. I’d say more cannibal. The basis of Pontypool is to combine a “zombie outbreak” with the magical power of the airwaves, setting up the atmosphere with suggestion and sounds, rather than images of guts and gore the most diehard would want. It’s an interesting spin, and one that definitely works for me. Confined to a small town radio station in Canada, our shock-jock lead character,  played by Stephen McHattie, has been adapting from the big city station which he thrived in to satisfy the listeners he’s looking down upon. Through his uncaring manner, we learn as his show is on air, that reports of gangs of deranged people are attacking townsfolk and eating them. Cue up the big shits! So, himself and his production team are locked down in the studio, discovering the cause of what’s driving these people to turn insane. All the while, listening in to the reports coming in of more incidents as they happen.

This is where I’ll shut my mouth now, because it becomes rather revealing, and is integral to the story. If you want to know more, you’re on the internet now and go spoil it for yourself! To summarise, Pontypool is an interesting addition to the genre, which has it’s own unique fare to make it stand out above others. It’s a refreshing idea and executes it’s powers of suggestion well enough. Watch.

Pontypool gets 4 egotistical DJ jingles out of 5

What else, man? Divulge some more, as my voice is louder than yours and listen ye shall…

STAN HELSING

It’s because of Blammo‘s love and support for Diora Baird in whatever she does that we ended up watching this. We, meaning “I“. Just me as I don’t think anyone else has the patience to watch this absolute train wreck of a movie. Brought to you by “yet another tea boy that worked on Scary Movie and written by the lighting guy on Roseanne“, our lovely Diora runs around in a Native American costume, looking dazzling. I’d like to tell you a bit more about this movie, but as she’s the best thing about it, I didn’t actually notice anything else.

Alright, fine. Doesn’t mean I have to like you now, okay? Stan Helsing takes Baird, the fat one of Keenan and Kel (it might be Kel, I dont really care), and some other chick to equal out the male/female ratio to a Halloween party dressed in various costumes. Their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, because you haven’t heard that happen before EVER, and they stumble on a haunted town where Leslie Nielsen is dressed in drag and has lost all of his Police Squad/Naked Gun charm. No, it really happens! All the while, the townsfolk call him the Chosen One because his name sounds similar to Van Helsing. Oh god. He’s to rid the town of the evil spirits because of his name! Oh yeah I forgot to mention they’re pursued by Leatherface, Freddy, Pinhead and Jason. Yes, really, as if their makeup was made by a school project.

Cut a long story short, apart from the obvious, delectable Ms Baird, there is no viable reason to give a fuck for this movie. There’s nothing funny whatsoever, these are all potential throwaway gags from a decade’s worth of franchise, it’s poor, it’s cheap, it’s just a piloOOOHFUCKOFFALREADY!

Stan Helsing gets just a measly 1 out of 5, and that’s purely for Diora’s wardrobe.

Next!

GAMER

As Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor swim in the cash made from two complete lunatic movies in the form of both instalments of Crank, it’s realised they’re in a position to do whatever they want. They did well, as Crank is a work of art to some, a guilty pleasure to others, even it’s haters can strike a chord with it seeing Amy Smart screw Jason Statham in public places to keep him alive. So here they are again with Gamer, only they seem to have forgotten something along the way.

Story for one. It’s a plodding mess of confusion and tediousness. It’s a little bit of a Running Man affair, where the script demands a satrical look at your average gamer (in one example here, a fat bastard unable to move from stuffing his face eating snacks for ten hours a day whilst owning nubz) controlling Slayers. These Slayers are convicts and Death Row inmates implanted with a computer chip that allows anyone with a lust of Call Of Duty to control their own scourge of society, all in one giant multiplayer arena. The Slayer that wins five times, gets to go free. It’s either this, or execution. Okay.

So, we follow the story of Kable, played by Gerard Butler, who is entered into the Slayer contest with a hope to win and to be reunited with his wife, who is also thrown into a video game called “Society“, which I’d have down as “the one that takes the piss out of Second Life“.  The Slayer sports are broadcast across the world, and the show’s host see’s Kable as the one to rake in the dollars so he wants him to stay on and fight as some sort of Master Slayer.  Yeah, I can still smell The Running Man here.  Smell gets stronger when Ludacris is running a resistance movement against the broadcast called “Humanz“. I shit you not. And then begins the escape plan, the attachment between the gamer and character being played, and a whole load of bloody action, shooting with guns and lots of shouting. Sadly that’s all it can offer.

As mentioned, a story is lost, there’s nothing to follow really and when you start to think you’re following a shred of plot, you’ll get whisked away to another elongated music video scene. Action is missing. Why? SHAKYCAM ZOOM! It’s all a blur to me. Colourful as it may be, and as good as the effects can offer, it’s all a mask to a poor substance found within. Avoid.

Gamer gets 1 third party motion controller out of 5

That’ll be all for now. I’m hungry.

10 Responses to “I have been watching….”

  1. Pete Dash Says:

    I was the AD on Stan Helsing. You obviously have the right to your opinion but you have many things wrong. The movie is a spoof so using conventions like their car breaking down is intentional to lampoon that it’s a cheesy convention of horror films. The makeup was done by Todd Masters who is one of the preeminent makeup Fx guys in the business. He has done the makeup Fx for original monsters being spoofed some of ours were so good that the studios threatened to sue. The budget was low, yes, but the production design was done by Chris August who was the Art Director on I, Robot. Question: have you ever made a movie or is your claim to fame sitting in your mother’s basement in your underwear writing a blog that’s read by 5 people? Yeah, I thought so.

  2. GW Paperstacks Says:

    ZING!

  3. Sir, thank you for taking the time out to defend your movie and your involvement with it. I appreciate the informative insight given as well.

    Alas, to answer your question, I’ve not made a movie myself, so maybe I shouldn’t dare belittle other people’s work. But then, in the giant sprawling void that is the internet, and where so many other established websites and blogs have possibly said far worse than what I have, have you left a comment on these places too or are we the privileged ones who’s readership of five will provide an easy soapbox for you?

    I understand it was a spoof of the genre and the traditions associated with familiar horror movies. At a time though, where these spoof movies are seemingly being spewed out at a rate of knots, sadly, what I find, is that a lot of people don’t want to watch it.

    I’ll stress as I’m a viewer across the pond, the humour may be wasted on me. I can’t speak for others. Movies such as these just appear on the dvd shelves with nothing to back it or come with any promotion. They don’t even get that far sometimes and just show on a late night horror channel gone midnight. That’s just the way it is over here.

    In your eyes, I’m just an irrelevant blogger. A small speck in the cosmos who’s verbally crapped on your work. I’m such a “douchebag” probably. Granted, I’m not out to slander movies to garner attention. These are just honest thoughts, from an fan of movies in general and I apologise if the truth hurts. But, sir, I’d check out the rest of the web and see if you’d get the same gracious reaction to your defence.

  4. GW Paperstacks Says:

    Just out of interest do you mind if we add the tagline “read by 5 people and Pete Dash (AD: Stan Helsing, Air Buddies and Lost Boys 2)” to the top of the page.

    I think it’d give us untold amounts of whatever the internet equivalent of street cred is.

  5. Mr. Dash… with all due respect, when your work is out there in the public eye, you have to be prepared to hear all kind of comments about it…. some good, some bad. Trust me, I know a thing or two about this, being an regular artist for several major comic companies (and a humble reader of this blog. That makes 6 of us now, yes?).
    I’m sure that Mr. DvS didn’t mean to slight anyone who worked on your film… rather than it be just his unique way of wording his reviews (which, positive or negative, I always find entertaining to read. By the way Diabolus… I enjoyed GAMER. But that’s my opinion :o))
    As for him living in his mothers basement… lets all congratulate Mr. DvS on his upcoming wedding next month, to his lovely fiancée of the past five years!! Congratulations both. And thank you for the invite :o)

  6. Hehe – best comments section ever.

    P.S. I have a lot of experience with A.D.s and they tend to be scary shouty types. So whatever Mr Dash says I agree with 100%!

  7. Firstly, add another reader to the count.
    Secondly, kudos to Mr DVS for taking the high road.
    And Thirdly:

    FAO: Peter “Dash” Dashkewytch:
    I was going to write a long extended dissection on the utter stupidity of commenting in the way that you have on a movie review blog which currently ranks 3rd on Google’s Blog search for your movie’s title.

    But instead, I’ve decided to do all the people looking for reviews of your shit movie a favour, by collating the reviews of your last 7 movies in one place.

    So, here are your current scores on Rotten Tomatoes:

    Stan Helsing – 14% – http://bit.ly/aMtsB4

    Lost Boys The Tribe – 0% – http://bit.ly/b6KSAZ

    Are We Done Yet? – 8% – http://bit.ly/asWtoq

    Air Buddies – N/A [Only 2 reviews, both negative] – http://bit.ly/9dcdOg

    Connors’ War – N/A [Again only 2 reviews, both negative] – http://bit.ly/8Zg52l

    The Sparkle Lite Motel – ? Sadly, no reviews found.

    After School Special – N/A [oh look, 2 negative reviews only] – http://bit.ly/a60P2r

    So, instead of insulting someone posting what seems to be the majority opinion of your most recent waste of time, why not ask yourself a question:

    Will you ever make a movie worth watching?

  8. GW Paperstacks Says:

    ICEBURN!

  9. Air Buddies? That’s the movie with the dogs who do.. something, right?

    No offense Mr. D, but right now I think you’ve got about as much box office pull as Battlefield Earth in the sense that not only are your films iffy at best, but that you also seem to generate a colossal field of suck which neuters any nearby talent. Might want to get some ointment for that.

  10. I’m number 8, yes? Or was it 7? I’ve lost count…. but lookie at all the stuff I miss while preparing to move. You guys…

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